A little about conversion
I've been ruminating, but not writing, for a while now.
On the surface the greatest discontinuity between my life in the Yellow House and now is probably religious affiliation. I was a bible major in college and in our senior year was confirmed in the Episcopal church. I thought when I graduated that i was on my way, if slowly, to seminary and the priesthood. Today I am a practicing Muslim.
I've been thinking about how to tell that story. The problem is there isn't a neat narrative. No definitive spiritual experience or clear line of reasoning that clicked into place.
It is important, I think, to note that I did not convert from Christianity to Islam. I left Christianity slowly. Then I spent some years as a bitter ex. I'd like to think that I have reached a more compassionate place and that Islam has something to do with that.
When I returned to the US from Egypt in 2013 I missed the sound of the call to prayer. I started reading a lot about Islam and seeking out feminist, queer and punk? sources. I fell in love with the idea of the 99 names and approaching Allah/reality as The Truth, or Justice, or Mercy. . . I read a commentary on the opening chapter of the Quran that translated one of the verses referring to Allah as the Cherisher of all systems of knowledge. The phrase 'Allahu Akbar' (literally Allah is greater) became important especially because it had no object. Thus it took any object. I wasn't sure I was a theist but I was falling in love.
I took Shahada in an online chat that spring. It was right before Ramadan and I was excited and wanted to tell everyone. Then I went on a real good drinking binge and shame spiral. . .
In fits and starts I started to practice. This became much more consistent in the fall of 2016 when I finally quit drinking.
A few of the most important continuities with my views in college (although in some cases these are things that maintained and some are things that I have returned to):
Spirituality is a combination of connection and seeking justice
Ethics is about relationships and power. It is much more about taking sides than following rules. The right side to be on is the side of the oppressed.
There is more than what we see and connecting matters (of course this is fun because we see more and more all the time)
We are/ will be ultimately held accountable and we do/will need divine mercy
And a few breaks:
We do wrong not because we are broken but because we were created to learn and evolve. We are not in search of salvation from a fall but remembrance of our created nature and growth into our potential
We are guilty of our own wrongdoing and need to repent and learn from it. God is forgiving because God is forgiving not because of some blood sacrifice.
Sexual and gender diversity is a gift to be celebrated not an issue to be debated.
Reproductive autonomy is a basic part of human dignity and abortion is healthcare.
This isn't the brilliant post that I imagined, but since I haven't been in the practice of writing for a long time I think it's better to throw something into the conversation.
Thanks Cal,
ReplyDeleteI really like this sentence:
"We do wrong not because we are broken but because we were created to learn and evolve. We are not in search of salvation from a fall but remembrance of our created nature and growth into our potential"
You have been seeking truth and justice for a long time.
It sounds like your experience in Islam has been a positive and inclusive experience.
Do you think the difference in experience is reflected in a theological or cultural difference between the two religions?
How do you think your experience of Islam is shaped by the Christian culture of the US that surrounds you?
David
I agree, David: Cal has been seeking truth and justice for a long time. As long as I have known him.
DeleteAnd I like your question about how cultural or theological differences most account for the different experience...
David, you asked about the cultural/ theological roots of the inclusive positive experience I have had in Islam. I have definitely been intentional in curating that experience for myself, but it is also true that there is material to work with (and against).
DeleteCulturally it reminds me of a home that I had. I converted after leaving Muslim majority cultures where I had spent the better part of a decade.
Hospitality culture also runs deep which makes it easy to feel welcomed in, I don't think there is a clean divide in culture vs. religion here. These things are always entwined. On the less positive end of culture there is the dominating Saudi cultural influence that pushes authoritarianism and rigidity and is well enough resourced to have incredibly outsized influence.
Theologically there is a lot that just clicks and makes sense to me. Besides explaining theology does other work and as a toolbox Islam seems more suited to some questions I'm asking about pluralism. It does at times take work to avoid rigid and transactional approached that I think are unattractive and un-useful.
Christian culture not only surrounds us but it's deep in me. I sometimes wonder if I would have converted before if I saw it as possibility. The first attraction to Islam that I remember was when I was reading a Hans Kung book where he described it as a survival of semetic Christianity, which somehow put it more on the table. I know that my questions are shaped a lot by Christianity. Some of my convert anxiety is about whether my islam is really just critique. Also, I have a tendency to make things too creedal.
“Survival of Semitic Christianity”—I like that. The more I learn about the variations within the different Abrahamic religions, the more I’m convinced that there is often more agreement across faiths than within them. When I read Amir Hussein’s book “Oil and Water” (and then saw him speak) I was even more convinced of this. When I was religious, I was much more interested in the practical and ethical aspects of religious traditions rather than the doctrinal ones. And the practical and ethical orientations can cut across so many different doctrinal or metaphysical beliefs systems. It is in part what made me see the metaphysical beliefs as less important.
DeleteWhat’s wrong with Islam being “just a critique”?
DeleteI really enjoyed reading this, Cal. I very much relate to the idea of a conversion not being a quick thing where there is some one event that triggers a significant conversion. It was never that way for me--this applies to the times in my life when I became more religious and also to my de-conversion (or conversion to agnosticism/humanism).
ReplyDeleteI'm really interested in the "Allahu Akbar" idea--specifically that it "has no object" and thus can take "any object." William James once referred to the object of religious experiences as "the more." I had always thought of Islam as theistic, but it sounds like your lived experience might be a bit less theistic. It feels like the Allahu Akbar idea pushes kind of in the way of mysticism (that Allah is beyond human understanding--is there mysticism within Islam?).
My understanding is that "Allah" is not a proper name but a general term similar to our term "God" or the Hebrew term "Elohim." In this way it is unlike the term "Yahweh." But if god can take on "any object" then in what sense is this different from a kind of pantheism that imbues all of life with something godlike? Your description of Allahu Akbar really reminded me of Spinoza, who was a pantheist that to define god in any other way than pantheism was to limit or restrict god.
The other thing that really fascinated me was the idea of being held accountable and needing mercy (forgiveness?). I very much agree with you that blood sacrifice is irrelevant and that god could simply forgive without the need of something further behind it. Requiring blood sacrifice for forgiveness seems to limit god's power (and also his goodness IMO). I wonder what convinces you of the existence of cosmic accountability and mercy? I can understand it being something one might want but what makes you think it is something that is true?
Thanks again for your honest and frank post; I really enjoyed it.
I realized writing this that falling in love really is the best analogy i have for conversion. As with you this is true of previous experiences as well (leaving Christianity was more like falling out i guess). The shift happens in ways that are hard to put your finger on and then explanation and articulation follow.
DeleteI'll get to more of your reply later.
Thinking about your question of whether there is mysticism in Islam. Yes!, but what do you mean by mysticism?
DeleteAs to whether this is pantheism? There have been arguments as to what the unity of Allah means for centuries. I am partial to the folks who talk about oneness of being which definitely has affinity to pantheism, but also?
The idea of "the more" resonates.
I remembered the name Spinoza, but nothing about him really. A little Google has him described as a pantheist and also an atheist. I'm intrigued.
I guess by “mysticism” I just mean those branches of a religious tradition that emphasize the cognitive incomprehensibility of god and the ways in which our knowledge of god is always limited and incommunicable. To me, there’s a an epistemic humility in mystical traditions that resists any simple doctrinal reduction. That’s probably what makes mysticism unusable by those forces that seek to tame religion for political (or other) purposes.
DeleteI thought from what you wrote that you were working from something like this as the definition of mysticism, and it is very much alive and even central to Islamic thought. Though affirming the limits of what human knowledge is capable of and the lengths by which divine reality outstrips those limits does not necessarily coincide with actual epistemic humility. My knowledge can be far superior to yours even if it is incapable of truly encompassing reality. I think that for the most part monotheistic and non-dual religious thought systems are forced to make room for the type of mystical thought you are talking about and still manage to produce a lot of epistemic arrogance and bigotry. (Anything I know about truly polythiestic systems is truly I read an encyclopedia once level and gives me no room to speak).
DeleteWhen I think of mysticism I more have in mind an approach that seeks experiential knowledge of God as a priority over intellectual knowledge. This very often, but not of necessity compliments the intellectual mysticism that you reference. In many cases mysticism then involves technologies of connection like prayer, meditation, mindfulness, etc. This is another place where there is a lot of analogy between traditions (I prefer the language of analogy to overlap because it allows for deep similarity without flattening to it's all really the same thing).
I would challenge the idea that either mysticism necessarily is less usable for taming religion to political purposes. In Islam there are Sufi schools (mystical communities) that are known for leading rebellions against colonial power and others that are known for being busy enough navel gazing that they are willing to accommodate and promote any political power that will let them get together and chant.
I think that some of the more anti-intellectual strains of evangelicalism are expressions of the mysticism of trying to know God directly, personal relationship with Jesus and all, and are profoundly malleable to being shaped by political concerns.
Love all the points you make here. You’re right that there can still be a lot of (personal) epistemic arrogance within more mystical traditions. And that’s interesting about the Sufi tradition. It totally makes sense that if the religious tradition is about rituals than beliefs that it could coexist alongside any number of political systems. I suppose the tension comes in when practices come to in some way challenge political ideals, like early Christianity did with Rome. What fascinates me about the Sufi example is what tenets of their religion led them to revolt against colonialism. I’d love to know more about that I’d you have any reading recommendations...
DeleteI'm trying to think of, or find, some texts that might be useful. this https://themaydan.com/2018/12/problem-political-sufism/ could be useful but is a bit convoluted
DeleteRegarding accountability and what makes me think it is a true thing. I definitely base my views largely on revelation which i struggle to articulate why I trust it other than to say that I do. I may at some point try to deal with that in more depth?
ReplyDelete